Thursday, November 29, 2007

Mari Melayan Banker Afrika (Part Six)

Dalam masa yang sama aku dapat email dari Mr Bersakar

Dear Partner.
I received your email and will like to bring to your mind that we have started the journey of a great fortune and we should try by every means to make this a success.

You should try by every possible means and make it to my country for us to get this transaction successfuly completed as this will be required from you once approval is granted. An attorney can stand to process all the requiremnts and sign on your behalf but I will appreciate if you will make it possible to be here as that will be a very big opportunity for us to know each other and build more confidence.

Moreover, you should watch out for a proposal of this nature and pls do not reply any. Due to the developmental needs of Burkina Faso many foreign investors and contractors flood here for contracts and investments. Many also use that medium to engage in an illegal transaction. Because these ills are not checked following the country's agreement with the IMF as benefits to the developing countries, many foreigners used the opportunity to execute many illegal transactions like drug and money laundry. Since the discovery of these ills by the Blaise government an order has been given to confiscate all the foreign account with any bank that have been dormant for the purchase of arms and armmunition. Bank officials like I personally have discovered such account whereas the reason I would want the funds approved in your name as the beneficiary. Do not reply any email that might come for this kind of proposal as all the files will pass through the Ministry of Finance and it will look suspicious if your name is in two different files. Also the 2002 African Union summit held in Durban, South Africa, following the 11th september attack initiated the AU Fund Transfer Monitoring Agents to monitor all the SWIFT money transfers coming in and going out of Africa in a way to checkmate the world's most threatening human disaster 'Terrorism' which has caused a lot of damage and dread to the human person. All the file of every international money transfer must pass through AU monitoring agents before the funds will be transferred. Pls you should immediately stop communications with them so that we will not have anything to regret in this transaction. This is a life time transaction and we should not in any way mess it up. All you have to do is to forward such email to me for advise. Keep me updated once you hear from the bank.

Punya la tamak...sampai kata jangan layan permintaan lain yang serupa!
Ni balasan aku...

Dear
David.I have received email from the bank. They want me to fill a form which details Iam not familiar with such as information of the deceased guy. What shall I do? I have attached the said form for your reference.

Mari Melayan Banker Afrika (Part Five)

This is getting serious...aku dapat email dari African Development Bank!

TTN: SIR,

THIS QUESTIONNAIRE IS AN OFFICIAL PROPERTY OF AFRICAN DEVELOPMENT BANK. IT IS HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL AND IT IS ONLY ISSUED TO NEXT OF KIN TO DECEASED CUSTOMERS OF THIS BANK, PROVING THEIR GENUITY TOWARDS SUCH CLAIMS. ANY ALTERATION, CANCELLATION, WRONG INFORMATION OR MISTAKES MADE AS A RESULT OF FILLING THIS QUESTIONNAIRE WILL MAKE SUCH CLAIMS INVALID AND NOT GENUINE. WE WILL APPLY ON YOUR BEHALF FOR FOREIGN EXCHANGE APPROVAL AT THE FEDERAL MINISTRY OF FINANCE AND PAYMENT WILL BE GRANTED AS SOON AS WE RECEIVE THE BELOW DOCUMENT.

YOURS FAITHFULLY,
MR.DON BERUK.
FOREIGN PAYMENT OFFICER
AFRICAN DEVELOPMENT BANK
LIBERIA


Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Mari Melayan Banker Afrika (Part Four)

Haha...dah dapat balasan dari En. Bersakar. Dia nak establish bona fide dengan suruh aku e-mail jugak 'African Development Bank'. Siap greet aku 'partner' lagi....ni dia e-mail En Bersakar tu

Dear Partner.

Thank you for your email.Go ahead forward you bank information to the bank through their email Address as the application should sent to bank by sent it through below email Address .

adbcostomers@xxx.com or adbaccount@xxx.com.

Am here to direct you what you will do.so feel free to contact me once you hear any meassge from bank.

Let me know once you sent the application to the bank.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Regards.

Daud.

Aku dah reply kat En. Bersakar tu.

Dear David.
I have sent the required information to the bank. I am awaiting for further instructions.
Detail yang aku bagi (ingat aku tak tau ka yang permintaan detail akaun aku tu cuma auta aje, nak tunjukkan bona fide dia)
Bank name:Islamic Bank Malaysia
Account Number:1310497832-7-X-09 (mana le ada nombor akaun camni!)
Bank address : Islamic Bank Malaysia, No.1, Tak Wou Jud Building, Charngloan,State Of Qeddah, Malaysia
Account name : Alpha
Swift Code:ISBMMY444
Personal information
Contact Address:Lu-Kinna Kincing Balick Oil Palm Plantation, PO Box 1120,Charngloan, State of Qeddah, Malaysia
Occupation : Oil Palm Planter / Manager
Age : 35
Tengok apa jadi lepas ni....

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Mari Melayan Banker Afrika (Part Three)

Email dari Mr Daud Bersakar

Dear Alpha.

Bellow is the application you will be sending to the bank for onward processes of all approvals in your favour as the beneficiary. Edit the application and make sure your information is correct before sending it to the bank on their Email. Keep me updated once you have sent the application to the bank. Hope to hear from you soon.

Regards, David.

===============================
FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT
AFRICAN DEVELOPMENT BANK
MAMBO NO.5
BP 505 LIBERIA.
adbcostomers@xxx.com
adbaccount@xxx.com
Phone:00226-xxx-409-xx
Fax:00226-xxx-272-xx

Re: Release of $39,500.000.00 U.S. dollars, [Thirty nine million Five hundred thousand U.S. Dollars Only] on account number 503-11189-0 of Mr.George Weah.

Dear Sir, Reference to the above stated Account No. 503-11189-0 of the late Mr.George Weah, with a credit balance of $39.5 Million Point Zero -Zero U.S. Dollars Only, I have been advised by counsel that I am the designated beneficiary to the above referenced, dormant account, held by the late Mr.George Weah. As such, I wish to apply for the release of the total said amount and initial partial payment of $9.500.00 (Nine Million Five Hundred Thousand USD Only) in my favour, representing the first phase payment from the credit balance in the said account.Inaccordance with the National and International Laws of Inheritance,kindly remit the stated amount in full to my account number stated below:

Bank name:-------
Account Number:----------
Bank address:---------------
Account name :------------
Swift Code:------------

Personal information
Contact Address:----------
Occupation--------------
Age----------------

This request is predicated on the fact that since the death of Mr.George Weah, who was entrusted with The Management of GEORGE JOY [pty]BF.the need for the transfer of the money in the account becomes imperative.I shall therefore be very grateful if this request meets with your favourable consideration. Should there be any doubts or clarifications, please feel free to get in touch with me. I now look forward to hear from you at the earliest. Thanking You.

With Warm and Kindest Regards,
Mr--------------.

Sesiapa yang pakai akal akan tahu yang African Development Bank bukanlah bank 'runcit' yang ada pelanggan personal. Bank ni wujud untuk memajukan sosio-ekonomi penduduk Afrika dengan memberi pinjaman kepada kerajaan2 di Afrika serta entiti awam (kerajaan negeri ka, daerah ka, GLC ka). Nampak la tipu kan? Dan kalau betul 'George Weah' tu takde waris..kenapa tak dia sendiri yang sapu?

Aku tak bagi dulu 'detail' akaun aku...aku cuma balas ni aje..

Dear Sir

Can I just send those details to you so that you can forward it to the Bank?

Mesti dia ni ingat aku ni sucker tahap gaban punya....

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Mari Melayan Banker Afrika (Part Two)

Email dari 'En. Daud Bersakar'

Dear Sir, What is the situation of things? I am really not happy with your silence over this project. What is your intention with regards to this project???? Are you with me or not???? Pls you have to be open to me so that I will know which other step to take. You will not gain any thing by keeping me in the dark. I contacted you to champion this project but not to do you any harm and I will appreciate if you void doing me any harm too as it will never be good.

We are human beings and it is always good to declare our stand to one another so that we will have understanding. Pls let me hear from you urgently to enable me know what the status of this project will be. Hope to hear from you as soon as possible.

Regards

Email balasan aku pulak

Dear Sir,

I am with you. But please understand my situation as I live quite far from civilisation. In fact I am quite nervous when you didn't reply my e-mail untiltoday. The sum you offered me is very significant and it allows me to live theway I always dreamed of.

So, what do I have to do next?

Monday, November 19, 2007

Mat Ziarah

Tu nama glamer untuk student yang join tabligh masa aku buat A-Level dulu. Geng tabligh ni bagus sebenarnya, mengajak orang amal makruh nahi mungkar. Sanggup mengorbankan masa berbulan-bulan on the road untuk menyampaikan dakwah. Itu konsepnya.

Tapi ada beberapa benda yang buat aku "rimas" tengok dia orang ni...

1. Tak jaga kebersihan (bukan semua la). Kengkadang ada yang bau hapak, baju comot..kalau yang duduk masjid, bersepah-sepah...sampai masjid kena kunci malam-malam...Dari pemerhatian aku, idea geng tabligh ni asal banyak dari India. Dan kalau tak salah aku, Hindu pun ada geng yang berkonsep ala-ala tabligh ni...rambut kusut-masai, pakai cawat, jambang tak terurus, kononnya trademark tawaduk ala depa le...somehow aku rasa masih ada pengaruh keHinduan dalam geng tabligh ni..bukankah Islam mengajak umatnya mementingkan kebersihan?

2. Tinggal rumah tak balik-balik tanpa melaksanakan tanggungjawab sebagai suami/bapa. Pun bukan semua la....Wife aku cerita, ada workmate dia dulu. Hubby dia caring, makan-minum, pakai semua cukup disediakan. Tapi bila masuk tabligh, satu sen pun dia tak tinggal buat nafkah anak isteri dia....boleh ke macam tu? Memang le isteri tu kerja tapi bukankah suami WAJIB sediakan nafkah?

3. Ni sebenarnya takde apa, tapi aku nak cakap jugak. Macam mamat gothic...Betul, sunnah Nabi pakai celak. Tapi sikit aje, buat kontras. Bukan nampak macam kena tumbuk....atau bebudak gothic!

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Kehebatan Mesin Teller Automatik (ATM) (ye la tu)

Aku ada dapat e-mail berikut:

"Sekiranya anda dirompak dan dipaksa untuk mengeluarkan wang akaun anda daripada mesin ATM, anda boleh meminta bantuan cara senyap dengan memasukkan no Pin anda di mesin ATM cara terbalik. Sebagai contoh jika no Pin anda adalah 123456, jadi anda harus memasukkan nombor 654321. Mesin ATM akan mengenalpasti nombor tersebut adalah nombor yg diterbalikkan drpd nombor yg sebenarnya melalui kad anda yg masukkan kedalam mesin tersebut.Mesin ATM akan tetap mengeluarkan wang tunai seperti biasa, tapi apa yg kita tidak ketahui, pihak Bank dgn segera akan menghantar pihak berkuasa(Polis) kepada anda. Perkara ini pernah disiarkan di TV baru-baru ini dan ianya menyatakan kaedah ini jarang diguna disebabkan ramai orang tidak mengetahui akan kewujudan sistem yg seumpama ini. Sebar-sebarkan ya~"
Apa aku buat, aku terus ke ATM berdekatan. Aku buat macam yang dikatakan. Mula-mula aku terkejut sebab mesin tu jalan macam biasa, jadi aku setakat nak tengok baki akaun sahaja.. Tapi bila masa nak tunjuk skrin maklumat baki akaun aku...keluar

Nombor PIN Salah
Sila Masukkan nombor PIN anda dan tekan 'OK'

U
sah kata polis...pak guard bank pun buat dekkk aje....Kalau aku input lagi nombor terbalik tu...alamat kad aku kena telan le. Tu aje le 'bantuan' yang bank boleh bagi!

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

It's A Boy!

Semalam aku pergi klinik, nak scan perut wife aku. Nak tunggu spital gomen, depa kata dah tujuh bulan baru nampak jantina. Klinik yang aku pergi tu dah ada mesin ultrasound yang boleh ambik gambar 4D (four-dimensional bukan Magnum 4D aaaa). Sebelum ni gambar 4D aku tengok kat dokumentari 'In The Womb' NatGeo aje le.

So, wife aku tanya le kat doktor tu anak apa. Dengan konfidennya doktor tu kata "tengok kat kawasan ni..." Well, I instantly recognize that one bit of human anatomy...haha! Aku sebenarnya berhajat nak anak pompuan sorang lagi...but a child, whatever the sex, is a gift from Allah.

Now comes the next question, even though it's quite early...nak bagi nama apa? Aku dah list out dah nama-nama tu....yang pastinya ada 'Muhammad'. Juga yang pastinya takde 'Danish' (macam nama roti aje) dan 'Daniel' (sebab anak sedara aku nama tu jugak). Senarai aku macam ni -

- Muhammad Yazid
- Muhammad Syurahbil
- Muhammad Khalid
- Muhammad Abu Ubaidah
- Muhammad Amr'
- Muhammad Usamah
- Muhammad Qutaibah
- Muhammad Tariq
- Muhammad Salahuddin
- Muhammad Saad

Tu cadangan aku...tapi kalau mak aku veto...kena cari lain la....

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Mari Melayan Banker Afrika! (Part One)

Semua tau kan pasal 'banker' dari Afrika yang nak kongsi harta client depa? Kali ni aku nak cuba sesuatu yang berlainan...aku nak layan! Note : nama-nama aku ubah)

Ni e-mail yang aku dapat

Dear Sir, I know that this message will come to you as a surprise. I am the Auditing and Accounting section manager with African Central Bank, Freetown, Liberia. I Hope that you will not expose or betray this trust and confident that I am about to repose on you for the mutual benefit of our both families. I need your urgent assistance in transferring the sum of ($39.5)million to your account within 10 or 14 banking days. This money has been dormant for years in our Bank without claim.I want the bank to release the money to you as the nearest person to our deceased customer late Mr.George Weah who died along with his supposed next of kin in an air crash since October 31st 1999. I don't want the money to go into government treasury as an abandoned fund. So this is the reason why I am contacting you so that the bank can release the money to you as the next of kin to the deceased customer.

Please I would like you to keep this proposal as a top secret and delete it if you are not interested. Upon receipt of your reply, I will give you full details on how the business will be executed and also note that you will have 30% of the above mentioned sum if you agree to handle this business with me. I am expecting your urgent response as soon as you receive my message. Best Regard.

Mr. Daud Bersakar

Ni
e-mail aku balik

D
ear Mr Bersakar
I am interested in your offer.
I work on a oil palm plantation located in a remote area of Malaysia and the nearest town is 65 kilometers away. I am also a part-time, distant education student in a local university, hence my '.edu' e-mail adress.
The plantation has limited electricity and no telephone connections. I have to come into town to pick up supplies for the plantation.The local community service centre has computer internet access, which is how I am contacting you.
Would contact through e-mails OK with you?
Sincerely,
Alpha

Aku
nak tengok takat mana dia boleh layan aku balik!!

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Astaghfirullahalazim (lagi!)

Kat Forum CARI, Board Military...thread mengenai pengganas. Macam biasa, ada mangkuk seberang tambak yang mengapi-apikan sentimen agama. Tak kisah la..perangai dia dah camtu.

Tiba-tiba timbul seorang hamba Allah ni, yang aku yakin Melayu Islam, memberikan ayat sebegini: "ni ka jihadists yg bakal nak mati syahid dapat bidadari telanjang kat syurga......" Bila aku tertanya sama ada dia ni kafir ke Islam, dia balas ni pulak "pasal dengan statement wa? islam lu mulia sangat ka mau kapirkan org lain???? prrgggfffpppttt....." diikuti "eh... ko ni... otak ko ok ke... yg nak dapat bidadari virgin telanjang putih melepak tu pejuang islam aka pengganas yg nak berjihad nak mati syahid.... konsep mati syahid islam ko lain ke dari islam org lain ka..."

Pendek kata semuanya melibatkan perkataan naked virgin in heaven...bogel...etc.

Aku sebenarnya nak menangis...menangis sebab marah yang amat sangat. Aku cakap betul, aku tak setuju dengan apa yang Amrozi, Imam Samudra et al buat...bagi aku, itu bukan jihad. Cuma mereka percaya mereka akan syahid di tangan firing squad. Bagi aku, itu urusan Allah samada mereka dikira syahid atau tidak. Apa yang aku cakapkan dalam forum tu ialah apa yang dijanjikan kepada mereka yang mati syahid. Memang aku ada baca yang salah satu ganjaran syahid ialah mereka akan dianugerahkan 72 bidadari berbanding 12 sahaja yang dianugerah kepada orang-orang yang mati 'biasa'. Dan bukan bidadari sahaja, malah banyak lagi keistimewaan diberi kepada mereka. Tak alih2 mamat ni dok perlekeh..tu yang aku tensen. Cara dia cakap macam dia dah termakan 200% propaganda Islamophobia...kena pulak Barat takde perkataan sesuai dalam bahasa mereka untuk "bidadari", maka ditukar kepada "virgin"..maka makin seronok la golongan anti-Islam memperlekehkan agama suci ini. Yang mamat ni pulak jadi kakaktua menambah...

Sebagai penutup...aku petik lagi posting dia....

"tu la ko... otak dah ler tak betul... ada hati nak jadi tok gundoo....dah ko pulak berputar belit..... org bincang betul ke dalam islam pengganas nak berjihad bunuh org awam tak bersalah mimpi nak nak mati syahid akan masuk syurga dapat habuan syuhada bidadari dara telanjang untuk ditala di tepi sungai yg mengalirkan arak2 yg lezat.... jap.. aku gelak jap.......... org macam ko ni....org islam macam ko ni yg suka berdolak dalih... yg memalukan islam... mempertahankan terrorists dan tindakan mereka dengan berpusing2 berselindung di sebalik nama islam..... dan sekarang pulak ko klaim sokong mereka macam ko tu Sirat al-Mustaqim........ perggghhhhhh...... memang dasar al-qaeda betul.... ko tunggu ler habuang bidadari telanjang ko tu kat syurga yg tok gundoo ko janjikan......."

(Dah la tak faham apa yang aku post....dia pi hina lagi, hina aku takpe, ni hina Islam.....semoga Allah membuka kembali hati dia)